When I started working on this blog, I was in a really bad place. Over the winter I had no energy, and getting through every day was a fight.
Luckily, I’m better now.
I haven’t missed a class in a while, I workout semi-regularly and the distance between smiles is getting shorter.
Thoughts from therapy: Thoughhts from Therapy is a series where I talk honestly about my struggle with and recovery from depression and anxiety. My hope is to promote mental health awareness and to let anyone else struggling know they’re not alone. Read previous posts.
But. There is a but.
I still struggle to get up in the morning. I get nauseous as a side effect of my medicine. I have frequent tension headaches. I’m behind when it comes to studying, and we are not even going to talk about my diet.
I’ve thought about writing a mental health update for a while, yet I just didn’t know what to tell you. There’s nothing special happening. The main feeling I’ve had lately is ‘meh‘.
It’s like I’m stuck in an awkward phase between sick and recovered.
+ I’m not sick enough to stay at home all day, I want to do things!
– I’m not well enough to have appointments two days in a row, I need to recharge
+ I’m not sick enough to take a break from uni
– I’m not well enough to study and handle the pressure from exams
+ I’m not sick enough to cancel all social get-togethers
– I’m not well enough to go to them without being anxious days in advance
+ I’m well enough meet with my Team (classmates) and have a great time
– I’m sick enough to just start crying when I get home because I’m so overwhelmed
+ The people around me have been very supportive
– I can’t help but feel at some point they can’t understand why I’m still sick and start getting frustrated and impatient
The last past is especially true, because that’s how I feel – about myself. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I find it hard to accept my limitations.
It’s possible I’m projecting my feelings onto the people around me. That they’re trying to be super supportive, but I’m avoiding them and acting distant; because if I can’t stand to be around me, why would they? (You’re actually being kind of a bully Anne, and that’s not okay).
You’re not going to be happy all the time. No one ever is. Sometimes you’re just going to sort of exist, and that’s okay.
Learn to be satisfied with ‘content’ and ‘calm’ and ‘not sad’.
Not sad is good.
Not sad is great.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is, recovery is not a straight line: There will always be good days and bad days. Recovering means the bad days will get fewer and the good days will take the lead. It means learning to cope with bad days, because having a bad day is not the same as having a bad life.
I want to learn to accept the bad days.
I want to learn to accept my limitations.
I think that’s a very important skill to possess.
What do you think? Let me know in the comments!