5 years ago I was preparing for the practical exam in Biomechanics & Gymnastics at uni with handstands and somersaults.
Today a short walk is physically challenging.
So much has changed since then. My life’s divided by clear before and after, life before and after chronic pain.
For a long time looking at old pictures, thinking back, I was struck by crippling grief.
Grief over the life I lost, and the future I’ll never have.
But now, looking back, the grief doesn’t consume me. I can look back with a kind heart on who I was and who I am today, both a person trying to do their best given the circumstances.
I try not to look at my past through rose-tinted glasses, though it’s so easy to get nostalgic.
While I was physically strong and capable, being active because I loved it, I also struggled with my mental health from time to time.
No matter what I did, no matter how well, I’d feel inadequate. Only seeing reasons why I wasn’t good enough. Unworthy. I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings.
I still get those feelings from time to time. Especially on days where I’m chained to couch by a pain flare up, I feel like a burden to the people around me.
But feelings doesn’t always reflect the truth; I have bad days, but I’m not a bad person nor do I have a bad life.
I’ve learned (still learning) to focus on what I can control, and let go of rummaging over what I cannot. I don’t want to waste my energy on things I cannot change, I wanna spend it on what brings me fulfilment. On the things and people that brings me joy, making me more resilient in the face of difficult circumstances.
All we can do is make the most of what we have.