Some days, the frustration really hits. The frustration of being chronically in pain.
Lately I’ve been really good at following the instructions from the pain management course. I’m following my resting schedule, space out activities, practice mindfulness, taking my meds, etc.
And I’m still in f***ing pain.
The pain clinic has never promised I wouldn’t be. They say realistically it’s never going away.
And I understand that on a logical level. But emotionally – that’s a different thing entirely.
I understand why I’m in pain when I push my body to it’s limits. It sucks, but I’ve learned to accept that it’s what happens.
What’s really frustrating, what has really hit this past week is: even when I do everything right, I’m still in pain.
Not as much pain, usually. But it’s still pain, and I still feel limited by it.
And this is so hard to accept. Maybe I’ll get there with time. Right now, however, I’m in the middle of this wave of anger, frustration and hopelessness. I promised my body I would do everything in my power to take care of her, and I return I thought the pain would go away. That was supposed to be the deal.
That was never a realistic expectation, but it was a hope, though never said aloud, that lived in my gut. A hope that’s a powerful driver for motivation, but it’s never going to come true. And it’s dangerous when it disappears.
Usually, feeling similar to this would lead me to seek out distractions. To drown out the uncomfortable emotions with food and TV. But I want to break that pattern (another thing the pain clinic focuses on as well).
I’ll allow myself to feel, without being swept away by the thought spiral that leads to:
I’ll be in pain forever – I can’t stand it – I can’t stand myself – I’m unlovable – I’m worthless(yeah that’s not a nice place to be)
My new BFF calm is a help here too, with practicing mindfulness and non-identification with difficult emotions 🙏🏻
(Thank you heytiffanyroe for giving me this motto to live by)
And hugs to anyone else dealing with difficult emotions today ❤️