Suffering in silence.
This is not easy for me to write about, so please be nice.
I sometimes share snippets of my mental health issues and struggles on here. That makes you special. In a way, you know more about me than some of my closest friends.
Why is mental health issues, or just mental struggles so hard to talk about? You wouldn’t think twice about telling someone if you’ve broken your leg – If you’re walking around with crutches and a cast people can see it anyway. There’s not really any serious consequence of telling people.
Of course with more serious physical illnesses there will be consequences. Maybe only the people closest to you will know. And it will be difficult. But you will never be told to just not be sad, to smile more, or that nothing is wrong with you.
“It’s all in your head”
I know. That’s the problem. That doesn’t make it any less real.
Maybe I’m a hypocrite. I don’t believe depression and similar is something that you have to hide. If you have the people around you to support you, to understand why you sometimes “act out”, so you don’t have to feel as bad about it. But almost nobody knows my internal struggle.
The fact that my boyfriend does not know is plaguing me. I feel guilty. I know he wants the best for me. He has done nothing to suggest that he wouldn’t support me through everything.
So why doesn’t he know?
Because there’s a feeling even stronger than the guilt. Fear. Fear that he would never look at me the same way, that it would be impossible for him to understand. Because that has happened to me before. By one of the most important people in my life – complete rejection. A scar like that does not heal easily.
But does he need to know? Does he have a right to know?
I dont’ know.
Thank you for reading.
PS: This is not meant to be a competition of who has it worse. This is my personal experience and feelings. Your world may be different, and I don’t mean to dismiss anybody’s suffering.
PPS: I acknowledge the existence of complicated chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia that’s both physical and mental, but that’s a discussion for another time.