Hitting Rock Bottom

I don’t know where to start this post.

Maybe you can tell I haven’t been doing well lately. ‘Not well’ being a major understatement.

I was so overwhelmed I had to go into hiding for a little while.Hiding from blogging and social

I’ve been hiding from blogging and social media.

Hiding from family and friends.Hiding from anything that just remotely resembled some form of responsibility.

Hiding from anything that just remotely resembled some form of responsibility.

I was hit by another bout of depression. Why? Because of stupid reasons that still makes me angry and frustrated so I’m not ready to write about them yet.

And so I felt all I could manage to do was curl into a ball in my bed. Hiding from the world outside the covers. Keeping my mind busy with computer games that could make me forget I existed, because that was the only way I could handle existing.

When depression gets really bad – at least for me – it’s like my brain breaks.

Aside from what you typically think of as depression symptoms – like the feeling worthlessness and hopelessness. It’s like I can’t concentrate properly, even simple things like cooking or getting dressed are too much. I’ve been trying to sit down and write for days, but I didn’t manage to do it until now. And it’s still a struggle to write coherent sentences (which I’m not even sure I’m writing. Let’s see how I feel about this when I reread it later).

Maybe it’s more like weeks it’s taken me to write this. I don’t know. That’s another thing that gets messed up: memory and the perception of time. I have no sense of what day it is and the time of day. I struggle to remember what I was doing and how I felt just a short while ago. And it scares me – the other day I forgot to turn the stove off.

I barely eat or sleep.

And though I’m not fond of admitting it, I kinda lost hope for a little while.

But I’ve hit the turning point.

Yesterday A couple of days ago I finally had an appointment with a team of therapists and psychiatrists. The waiting time has been (too) long and very difficult for me, but now it’s over. They take me and my struggles seriously and are ready to help me. It was such a relief, I even started to feel better before the treatment began (I guess that’s what placebo is).

It gave me hope. And hope is so important. Knowing there’s a light by the end of the tunnel makes a world of difference when you’re fighting to stay standing. Knowing that things will get better is what gets me through the bad times. I’ve fought through bad times before, and I can do it again.

I guess I lost hope for a little while.  But I found it again with a little help.

I’m deeply grateful for your loving words and support.


It's okay to lose hope if only for a little while. It can still come back, and you can get better

LET'S CHAT!

23 Comments

  • I don’t know you, but I KNOW you. I have been where you are. I’m bipolar and suffer from anxiety and depression and have hit rock bottom and sought help and there is now light in my life. You’re headed down the right path. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate I invite you to shoot me an email or FB message. My dad is a shrink so I feel like I am one by association. If anything I can help you navigate through this. Sorry if that’s weird since I’m a stranger. Just figured we all need all the help me can get.

  • Thank you so much for writing about this. I went through a bad bout of depression last year and consequently stopped blogging for about 9 months. It felt like my brain just stopped working; I could hardly concentrate in class or do any of my readings for school. I slept way too much and spent most of my time watching tv in my room. But you’re right, hope is so important. As soon as I called my doctor to make an appointment, I started feeling a tad better because there was light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been open about my anxiety on my blog but never my depression, because I don’t quite know what to say about it. Hope you’re still feeling hopeful 🙂

    • I never really know how to write about, sometimes I just need to get something off my chest. If you want to write about it, I think you should go for it! It definitely helps to know you’re not alone, and I really appreciate your comment ❤️

  • Anne, I just want you to know that you are certainly not alone in this endeavor. While I’ve never been to a doctor, I know what runs in my family and I know the experiences that I have faced. I feel like I’m actively trying to combat a stage I simply do not want to enter right now so I felt the need to reach out and comment not share (BEPG group) that you have someone cheering you on. Lots of love.

  • Please don’t ever lose hope, love <3 That breaks my heart because I look at you and this blog and the way that you're honest and successful and I feel so inspired every single time one of your posts pop up on my feed. If you ever want someone to talk to, please send me a message, I mean it 🙂

  • Thank you for being so open and honest – hitting rock bottom is tough, especially when things have been on the up recently. I’ve been suffering with this too; I’ve been having counselling for a year now and felt like I was making huge improvements and then suddenly, one day, I started to feel a little low and it’s culminated in me having to take a couple of days off work because I just feel so down and anxious. Hopefully by talking to professionals, you’ll turn that corner once and for all. I know I’m not the only one to appreciate your honest words – keep it up and stay strong xxx

    • Thank you ❤️ It’s not going to a straight line, but I know it’s going to get better. I hope your recovery will continue to go well. I appreciate you taking the time to comment ❤️

  • Being a depression and anxiety sufferer I can totally relate to what you are writing. I don’t get on with computer games, however I found that watching subtitled TV dramas helped me. Easier for me being English and watching a Danish one Norwegian drama with subtitles.

    One thing to remember is that you are not alone and if you cannot handle face to face communication you have all your cyber supporters out here.

    I really hope you are back to your “normal” self soon.

    Kevin

    • Thank you Kevin, I really appreciate that! I’m already doing better compared to when I wrote this, taking small steps. I’m so grateful for the support ❤️