I don’t know where to start this post.
Maybe you can tell I haven’t been doing well lately. ‘Not well’ being a major understatement.
I was so overwhelmed I had to go into hiding for a little while.
Hiding from blogging and social
I’ve been hiding from blogging and social media.
Hiding from family and friends.
Hiding from anything that just remotely resembled some form of responsibility.
I was hit by another bout of depression. Why? Because of stupid reasons that still makes me angry and frustrated so I’m not ready to write about them yet.
And so I felt all I could manage to do was curl into a ball in my bed. Hiding from the world outside the covers. Keeping my mind busy with computer games that could make me forget I existed, because that was the only way I could handle existing.
When depression gets really bad – at least for me – it’s like my brain breaks.
Aside from what you typically think of as depression symptoms – like the feeling worthlessness and hopelessness. It’s like I can’t concentrate properly, even simple things like cooking or getting dressed are too much. I’ve been trying to sit down and write for days, but I didn’t manage to do it until now. And it’s still a struggle to write coherent sentences (which I’m not even sure I’m writing. Let’s see how I feel about this when I reread it later).
Maybe it’s more like weeks it’s taken me to write this. I don’t know. That’s another thing that gets messed up: memory and the perception of time. I have no sense of what day it is and the time of day. I struggle to remember what I was doing and how I felt just a short while ago. And it scares me – the other day I forgot to turn the stove off.
I barely eat or sleep.
And though I’m not fond of admitting it, I kinda lost hope for a little while.
But I’ve hit the turning point.
Yesterday A couple of days ago I finally had an appointment with a team of therapists and psychiatrists. The waiting time has been (too) long and very difficult for me, but now it’s over. They take me and my struggles seriously and are ready to help me. It was such a relief, I even started to feel better before the treatment began (I guess that’s what placebo is).
It gave me hope. And hope is so important. Knowing there’s a light by the end of the tunnel makes a world of difference when you’re fighting to stay standing. Knowing that things will get better is what gets me through the bad times. I’ve fought through bad times before, and I can do it again.
I guess I lost hope for a little while. But I found it again with a little help.
I’m deeply grateful for your loving words and support