Deep breath. Yes, you read that right (unless you didn’t – It says From FIT to FAT). I’ve been putting off writing this post for so long, but I need to get something off my chest
(and belly. It’s fat! Just kidding).
So yeah, I’ve been more and less sick since August. I’ve been injured for much longer, and had surgery last June. That means I’ve been fairly inactive for a long time. I’m trying to get back into working out, but it’s hard, and I’m very out of shape.
A consequence of my inactivity is weight gain – unless lying horisontally on the couch can be considered an activity. Technically I haven’t stepped on a scale in a very long time because I simply don’t own one. But I know I’ve gained weight, especially fat. And I’ve lost muscle at the same time. And I don’t like it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s bad to be fat. No, I don’t consider that word an insult. Everybody has fat!
Before you think about complimenting me by saying I’m not fat, or something self-deprecating like ‘if you’re fat, what does that make me‘. Don’t. I know I’m not obese, nor am I saying people who are larger than me should feel bad about their body. I think everybody has the right decide over their own body, and should love their body regardless of what the scale says.
But this isn’t about how wrong fat-shaming is. This is about me.
This is an old picture, just so you know. The first image is from August last year
No, it’s about coming to terms with your body when it’s changing, and it’s outside your control.
I’m not fat as in overweight. My body composition, however, has changed a lot, and I can clearly see and feel it. The belly that used to only show up when I was bloated or after day full of eating, never leaves. My clothes fit differently.
But I don’t think that’s the real issue, at least not for me. I can’t help but wonder, that if these changes were happening to my body at another time, where I was in a good place mental health wise and not injured, it wouldn’t affect me.
I’ve never worked out to get that “dream body”. I’ve played sports as long as I can remember, and it was always out of love for the activity. Alongside that, I got into running and lifting, also simply because I enjoyed it. With that came muscle mass and a low body fat percentage.
But now that it’s gone, I miss it. Or honestly, I miss being working out – And my growing belly and hips are a constant reminder of that. So I don’t really hate my body for being fat.
I hate that I’m not fit anymore.
I hate that my before is better than my after.
I hate that I’ve lost so much progress, and I can’t help but compare my current workouts to before I was injured, just to discover how unfit and weak I am.
But. There is a but. Because I’m not one to be caught up or held down by negative thoughts. Not anymore.
I’m fighting to get better.
I’m fighting to get fit again.
I’m not fighting to lose weight. I don’t track my measurements. I don’t log my workouts like I used to. I’m trying to listen to my body in the moment, and go from there. I don’t plan training sessions in advance, and I try to do just what I feel for that day, so there’s less pressure to perform. I turn up or down for the intensity depending on how I’m feeling in that moment.
I try to push myself, but take care of myself at the same time.
I’ve gone from fit to fat, and now I’m getting fit again!
Have you ever gone through a major setback on your fitness journey? Let me know in the comments!