Back to Normal – Thoughts from Therapy

Thoughts from Therapy is a series where I talk honestly about my struggle with and recovery from depression and anxiety. My hope is to promote mental health awareness, and to let anyone else struggling know they’re not alone. See previous posts here.

4th of January. First Monday after Christmas and NYE. Everybody’s going back to work. Back to school.

Where did I go? Back into hiding. Back to bed.

I had feared how the holidays would be a nightmare. Would being surrounded by people all the time make me break down? It is just my family though, and I love them.

I get easily stressed out around Christmas, because I’m really bad at giving gifts. Or more accurately, somehow I think it’s a bad gift unless it’s the best gift they’ve ever received. But I’ve learnt something – that’s the devil in my amygdala speaking (seriously, if the devil was just sitting on my shoulder I would have kicked him away a long time ago). My brain tends to go immediately to the worst case scenario – like when I’m meeting a friend, and they’re running a couple of minutes late, it must be because they’ve been run over and died. I almost want to laugh as I’m typing this, because it’s so absurd and has never been the case (yet).

However, that’s still the thought that pops into my head. And I used to let it take over, making rational thought impossible. I didn’t do it intentionally, but I wasn’t able to stop it either. Through therapy, I’m learning to be more aware of my destructive thought patterns, and simply realising that my mind is spinning out of control.

Wait, wasn’t I talking about Christmas?

Mind: Worst case scenario – you’re just making people confused by your incoherent rambling, and they’ve already stopped reading.

Stronger mind: You have amazing blogger friends that read your blog. I know it’s really hard for you to write about your serious issues like this. But it makes you feel better afterwards. And you got an overwhelming amount of support last time you opened up. You’re not alone in this. Maybe everyone won’t want to read this, but that’s okay. You shouldn’t try to please everyone – that’s what brought you to this point.

Nevermind.

This is a freaking rollercoaster. But my Christmas was more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I felt so happy and energised – something I haven’t fully done in a long time.

Fast forward to January 4th. The day everyone went back to normal. So did I in a way – because I broke down. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Not going back to classes like everyone else reminded me I was a failure. I didn’t immediately realise I’d started spinning out of control. And for a short while, it was pretty bad. But then I had to meet with my therapist again. (Sidenote: Are there any appropriate small talk subjects in your therapists’ waiting room? I think about this a lot). She helped me put things into perspective. Completely turned my mood upside down. I noticed how it’s getting easier to open up to her, talking about feelings and stuff. And I felt so empowered afterwards.

You might also want to read: The first meeting – Thoughts from Therapy

You might also want to read: I should be proud – Thoughts from Therapy

Now I will be going back to normal – my normal. Because this is my life, and I can’t let anyone else define what I should and shouldn’t do.
I don’t know how to be anyone but me, and I’m no longer going to try.

Thank you for reading and following me on this crazy journey! Free hugs for everybody (shipping not included) 


PS I will actually start studying again in the last week of January, yay! Wish me good luck ♥

Since you made it all the way to the end, you may as well follow on Instagram or Bloglovin' as it's the best way to keep up with everything I have going on
Follow

 

LET'S CHAT!

19 Comments

    • That means so much to me. I just read your post on mental health stigma, and I thought it was amazing. Hopefully we can help make a difference by talking about. xxx

  • It was obviously such a great thing for you to reach out and go to a therapist. I think it’s so courageous to talk (or write) about your problems in public as well. You should be really proud of you. I’m sure that you will be able to handle your thoughts sooner or later, because you’re definitely not a week person. 🙂
    And yay for going back to studying in January. 🙂 Good luck <33

  • You are very brave for writing this. Mental health is something we shouldn’t hide from, yet something many of us do. I sincerely wish you good health and well-being 🙂

  • 1. YOU’RE ANNE WITH AN E OMG THIS IS MOMENTOUS IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER SINCE I’VE FOUND A BLOGGER CALLED ANNE YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYYAY.

    2. This is a really important, and such a brave thing to do. I don’t want to sound patronising, because I fear that’s how it can sometimes come across, but although I would no-longer call myself a sufferer of anxiety due to therapy and medicine and things I’ve been a part of or taken in the past, this really struck a chord with me. I feel like I was once so deeply invested in my world and how I felt that it was impossible for me to see outside my own little bubble, and I think thats what helped my anxiety most when I went to therapy. Now I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack, and I know you’ll probably understand what a big deal that is.

    3. Christmas can be really hard, but it can also be amazing, and it seems like you’re getting really good. I’m so glad you had such a great time. I know anxiety will never disappear forever, but you can overcome it, and I really hope you do one day.

    4. I loved the way you wrote this. I felt like I was inside your head, and no I never found a appropriate waiting room discussion- but I wish you all the luck in the world.

    5.Now I will be going back to normal – my normal. Because this is my life, and I can’t let anyone else define what I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t know how to be anyone but me, and I’m no longer going to try. THIS. THIS. AHHHH! This is like my mantra, seriously. I love it.

    6. I AM SO SO GLAD I FOUND YOUR BLOG AND I THINK YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

    Love,

    another Anne x

    http;//aportraitofyouth.blogspot.co.uk

    • YAAAAAAAY ANNES UNITE!!!!
      I get what you’re saying about being in a bubble, and I used feel so caught up in my own head I sort of lost contact with the outside world, never felt 100% present.
      I’m so happy for you!! It’s amazing that you’ve come so far. And you give me hope for getting there myself someday.

      My head can be a dangerous place to be, so be careful haha. But I am trying to make it a better place to be, for me 😀

      YOU ARE SO AMAZING AND YOUR COMMENT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME, I CAN’T SAY THAT ENOUGH
      <3

  • Hey! totally read past the part you thought we’d stop. For the record you are not alone. Everytime someone is late, I think that too. Every page at work that’s for me, I think, what happened? Its usually a customer! ugh, stress, fear is something we all battle. Keep up the great work, and thanks for sharing! 🙂

  • Your posts are always a pleasure to read. I always read every word and I love every one of them. Seriously I always get a little bit excited when I see a new post from you on my feed.

    I can definitely relate to imagining the worst outcome possible, especially when it comes to thinking somebody is late because they have surely died. I like to tell myself that at least I’m prepared for the worst! Haha that might sound ominous but I think it really is one of our body’s defence mechanisms to prepare us for something tragic in the event that it does happen, so that if it does we won’t completely break down. And I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. Apparently that’s what nightmares are for too. I guess the point of all that is that there’s always a positive side to everything.

    Thanks for sharing,

    Justine xx

    • I am so happy to hear that, thank you!
      I was convinced I was the only who would do something so irrational. That’s a good way to look at it, it’s good to be prepared haha. And as long as we know it’s irrational, I think it’s easier to deal with.
      xx

  • Good luck with your studies and keep sharing your journey. It makes you feel better, and it makes those who read it feel better too! You are a brave and amazing soul, don’t forget to tell yourself that! Thank you for this inspiring post.